


15 x 20

by JenSpinner



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Universe, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:13:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27548881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JenSpinner/pseuds/JenSpinner
Summary: 15 x 20 - What it should be.And as with all finale's - Carry On My Wayward Son (Cover)https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qKvj12YTtI4
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester
Comments: 47
Kudos: 116





	1. Chapter 1

Dean keeps the jacket with Castiel’s handprint in Baby’s trunk, if they ever need to ‘book it’ that last piece of Castiel he has left, is coming with them. Thinking of how close that jacket is, how close that reminder is of what Castiel did, for him, of what he said to him makes his eyes sting and his throat tighten. He swallows down yet another mix of whiskey and coke, eyes glancing sideways to Sam. He is sure that Sam saw him pouring the amber liquid into the slurpee cup but luckily, his brother chose not to comment. Which was good, really, because Dean didn’t feel like defending his actions, yes, they had won. They had defeated Chuck, but at what cost… 

Sam still has Eileen's phone, so it’s not like he could call her and when they had gone back to her house to look for her, to see if she was back… There was no one there. No sign that anyone had been there. Jack had brought back the whole world… but he hadn’t brought back Dean’s whole world, or Sam’s… and then they had lost him too and despite everything that had happened between them, Dean’s inability to forgive Jack for his mother’s death and consequential attempt to kill him, he’d always still cared, deep - deep down. 

Jack leaving, after everything he’d done since getting his soul back, hurt. Dean would never be able to adequately express to the kid just how grateful he was to him, how wrong he’d been in his treatment of him, when he was born and after Mary’s death, because he finally understood it was an accident. Jack had been soulless and still tried to be good, he’d tried to stay in control. But all that power, and going through everything that Jack endured... They had all known he was dangerous, that he wasn’t fully in control of his emotions, maybe he couldn’t say it out loud yet, but Dean knew, knows now that it wasn't Jack’s fault, it wasn’t Castiel’s fault, that actually sometimes - accidents do happen accidently. 

So, Sam had lost Eileen, he had lost Cas and they had both lost Jack. It was just the two of them, driving back from Eileen's. They stop for the evening in a field, deciding to take their first ever night staring up into the sky, their first night under the stars, looking up - with no one looking down on them. Chuck is gone, they are finally free… so, why did it still feel like losing? 

They are both quiet, not needing to fill the silence that is so deafening around them. They are there for each other, but how can you comfort someone who is going through the same thing that you are. Dean can’t open his mouth to try and comfort Sam, to say some bullshit about how it will be alright when he knows that if anyone tried to tell him, he’d be alright… without Cas… He’d punch them in the throat. He isn’t alright, he isn’t ever going to be alright. Cas is gone, and he hasn't told him the truth. He’d had so many opportunities, but always held it back and for what? Fear? How stupid was that, that fear was nothing in comparison to how he felt right now. The grip Billie had on his heart was a tickle compared to this never ceasing pain. Castiel is gone, he had confessed his feelings to Dean and died to protect him, the selfish noble bastard. 

So, no. He couldn’t offer any comfort to his brother other than his presence because he wouldn’t believe the words that came out of his own mouth even if he somehow found the strength to say them, and he suspected it was the same for Sam. 

A comfortable silence turned the night into morning and the brothers stirred and set off back toward the bunker. 

“Do you think, when Jack brought everyone back, that monsters and ghosts would all have come back too?” asked Sam, out of nowhere. 

“Er…” Dean frowned, he hadn’t even thought about it, and guilt rushed him as he conceded to the fact that his first thought was ‘ _I hope so_ ’ - what would they do, if they didn’t have hunting? He had so much anger building up in him, anger at how much they had lost, how they had been Chuck’s puppets, anger… at himself. If he didn’t get to punch something soon, he’d likely explode, “I don’t know.” 

Sam nodded, looking worried, “Because, you know… Garth.”

Dean looked over to his brother with wide eyes, “Shit, yeah. We should…”

“Yeah,” says Sam, pulling his phone from his pocket as Dean puts his foot down, heading in the direction of their friends home. Dean can hear the phone ringing as Sam holds it to his ear, he tries to focus his concentration on that sound, waiting with bated breath for the familiar happy tone of Garth’s ‘Hey dudes’; but it doesn’t come.

Many hours later, Dean pulled the impala up in front of the bunker, the screech of her tires, matching the screaming going on in his own head perfectly. He turns to his brother and they both shake their heads bitterly, their eyes burn with anger and frustration, they hadn’t found Garth, or Jody, or Donna… Bobby and Charlie were from the other world, so bringing them back may have been out of Jack’s reach… but Garth, Jody and Donna? It didn’t make sense. 

Sam and Dean get out of the car, heading into the bunker for what Dean knows will be one hell of night drinking - drowning his feelings and trying to block out the memories of those people, his family, that he has loved, and lost. Their faces haunt him, why hadn’t they been saved? Surely, they had deserved it, more than most? They were the good guys, the ones they had always counted on, the ones who had always been there for them, helping them to help everyone else. Helping them save the world. 

The usual slam of the bunker door closing, as the brothers passed over the threshold, was drowned out in a sea of screams and cheers. For a moment Dean’s hand flicked over to his gun, before his eyes caught up with what his ears were telling him… They were here. They were all here.

His eyes scan over the faces of the crowd at the bottom of the stairs, Charlie and her girlfriend Stevie, Garth and his family, Donna and Jody, Alex and Claire, Bobby, the other worlder's, other hunters, Adam… Eileen. His eyes must have found her smiling face in the crowd at the same time Sam had spotted her, because his brother was suddenly rushing past him and charging, like the giant moose that he is, down the stairs three steps at a time. Dean sucked in a sharp breath that was relief, joy and jealousy all at once as he watched Sam lift Eileen and spin her around before kissing her and holding her to him tightly. 

Dean continued to search, his eyes seeking out those familiar blues, but pain and disappointment only bloomed stronger when he realised the only face missing from all of those before him was Cas’s. 


	2. Chapter 2

Dean swallowed down his heartbreaking disappointment, pushing his sadness deep down and started down the stairs himself to see his friends and family, instantly being smushed in a hug by Garth when he reached the bottom. With each and every hug he received, his heart hurt and healed, hurt and healed. He should be grateful, well he is grateful, but… Cas?

He gets hugged and thanked, kissed on the cheek, told he is a hero, told he did it, told how brave he and Sam have been, reminded of how they have won, how they are all free now, thanks to them. His eyes can’t lie anymore, each and every time someone holds him, it feels like he gets closer to home, and the tears come. Broken and interrupted by nervous laughter that feels like a betrayal to his breaking heart that Castiel is not here. 

After a while, he makes his excuses and retreats to his room, promising he’ll be right back, he just needs a moment. His eyes find Sam as he passes towards the corridor, and he smiles genuinely at how his brother looks happy, Sam’s enormous arms are wrapped protectively around Eileen as they sway together to some cheesy love song - likely provided by the evenings appointed DJ Garth and Dean feels it again, that same relief and joy and jealousy - his brother is going to be ok but he, he will never be whole again. 

He nods to himself, Sam will be happy, that’s good. He wants that, he wants his brother to be safe and happy. He can deal with the hand he has been dealt, he can keep going, for Sam, for everyone else. Though a piece of him will always be missing, he can work through it, he can keep going, it won’t be the same, things never will, but he can put on the appearance of being okay that he knows is expected of him, he can fake it for these people. 

He opens the door to his room, intending to take a few minutes to compose himself, to put on the smile these people deserve as he is afterall, exceedingly happy and grateful that his friends are here. They came back and they are all here, happy and smiling and wonderfully alive. But he needs time to process the fact that Cas isn’t, Castiel who died to save him, who proclaimed his love for him in a speech he has heard in his head a thousand times since it was said out loud. Cas who never got to hear him say those words back to him even though they had been true for longer than Dean could even admit to himself… 

He pushes the door open and light bleeds into the room, opening up a pathway before him to his bed and Dean looks up with a gasp that cracks through the silence like a baby's cry waking a mother at night. His heart clenches with fear and hope. Standing there, looking like a star shining in the inky black sky, is Castiel. 

Castiel’s eyes meet his, a small uncertain smile breaks on his face and he straightens. For a moment, they stare at each other both silently questioning; is this real? Are you really here? And then the words Dean would have died to hear again, are forming on Castiel’s lips…

“Hello-” 

Before Castiel has even finished speaking, Dean has crossed the room in three long strides. His heart is pounding in his chest, his eyes are brimming with tears as he throws his arms around the man and whispers out a broken sounding ‘Cas’ against his shoulder.

Castiel is solid, he is real and he returns the embrace instantly, they hold each other for mere seconds before Dean realises, he never wants to be away from Castiel again without having said it… He doesn’t - no, can’t let go of the man without saying it. He won’t let Castiel wait another second without hearing it, without knowing.

Taking a deep breath and squeezing him tightly, Dean’s heart shrugs off the fear of confessing it out loud and he finally says it, just those three words, just the words Castiel deserves to hear, just the truth he has to know… “I love you.” 


	3. Chapter 3

Castiel stiffens in his arms, his face a haunting picture of uncertainty as he leans back to look at Dean, “You-you do?”

Dean smiles warmly as tears track down his face, he feels like shit that Castiel doesn’t believe him, but hopefully, now he has actually said it, he’ll get the chance to prove it’s true. To shower Castiel in all the love he truly deserves, in all the love that Dean can give him.

"What's the matter? You don't think you deserve to be loved?" he raises his hand to Castiel's cheek forcing him to meet his eyes as he says... "Good things do happen, Cas and I’m sorry. I am so fucking sorry it’s taken me this long to say it.” 

“You don’t have to apologise Dean, not to me.” 

“I do, you were gone and I couldn’t - you mean, everything, Cas, everything.” 

They hold each other, both unsure of breaking the moment, where would it even go from here? They’ve spent so long not crossing lines that each of them wanted so badly to cross, that now they aren’t even sure how to take that next step toward them. But the solid and comforting warmth of Castiel against him is enough, for now. Dean wants other things with Cas, of course he does, but he’d been at war with that side of himself for so long that waving the rainbow flag and giving himself wholly over to who he really is, would take time and luckily, time and freedom was something that he and Cas now have.

“Cas,” says Dean firmer. He pulls back suddenly as a horrible thought crosses his mind, he looks at Castiel with fresh worry in his eyes, “how did you get out of the empty? It’s not coming back for you, is it?” 

“No,” Dean sighs with relief as Castiel continues, “Jack and the empty made a deal. Jack offered the empty something it was unable to refuse in exchange for my freedom.”

“What’s that?” asked Dean, fear spiking again, deals were never a good thing. What had Jack offered the empty in exchange for Cas? 

“Sleep. Jack is going to create a heaven for the empty, it’s own personal, sealed, soundproof and dark place to sleep.” 

Dean could hardly believe it, it was such a simple, yet perfect offer. All the empty had ever cared about was sleep, it just wanted peace and quiet and Jack had offered it that. It’s very own heaven, it was genius. He could hardly believe it, Cas was back, needing that confirmation one last time he asked, “So, you're safe then?” 

“I am safe.” says Castiel with a smile. 

“And you’re back to stay right?” 

Castiel nods and finally, accepting that this is all real, that Castiel was not only here, but safe and back for good, Dean nods too. His eyes closing in relief as he pulls Castiel back into a hug, “Good.”

“Dean, I…” Castiel begins, sounding uncertain.

“Yeah,” says Dean, pulling back enough to look in Cas’s eyes, but keeping his hands on Castiel’s arms, as though trying to anchor him, as though still scared that he could vanish at any moment, he meets Cas’s eyes, “Cas, I know.”

“It’s just… everything.” 

“I know, we did it. Jack did it. You were right, Cas. You were right about all of it, except one thing…” 

Castiel frowns slightly, tilting his head in that adorably Castiel way, “One thing?” 

“The bit where you said… you can’t have what you want.” Dean looks away, struggling to find words, struggling to silence the side of himself that has always fought against this moment… “I meant it, Cas, every time I said you were family, every time I said you’re my best friend, I meant it and I will always mean it. But… you mean so much more than that to me.”

The two men stand before each other. Gripping each other's arms tightly, their eyes brimming with tears… In a perfect world Dean would lean forward, their eyes would close and he’d show Cas, just what he meant. But this is not a perfect world - even with Chuck gone, and in a way Dean was glad that he didn’t suddenly have the courage to lean forward and kiss Castiel because at least he knew now, the thing that held him back - it wasn’t Chuck, it was himself. He was still himself, everything he had ever felt about Castiel - was real. Cas was right about that too, they are real. So, despite wanting to kiss the man in front of him, despite finally having confessed how he felt, Dean wasn’t ready for the next step yet but it made him happy, relieved - he was in control, he was writing his own story, he was free. And he and Castiel had the time to figure ‘them’ out, they’d get there, and soon - Dean had no doubt about that now.

“I’m not an angel anymore, I’m human.” says Castiel suddenly, pulling Dean out of his inner monologue. 

“You are?” 

“Jack, when he took me from the empty, he told me he was giving me a gift, he said I’d never have to go to the empty again. When I die… I’ll go to heaven.” 

Temporarily disarmed by the mere thought of Castiel dying again, Dean frowns but then as understanding dawns, he looks up and a tiny smile breaks on his face, “You’ll be in heaven… with us.” 

Smiling and nodding, Castiel confirms Dean's theory - he would never have to be without Castiel, ever again.

***

While Jack is busy stabilising heaven by creating new angels, offering them a choice that they can stay and help him rebuild a safer heaven or they can go to earth and seek out their own journeys, helping people. Chuck is being arrested for shoplifting food - because yeah, one of Jack’s first acts with his new powers was to wipe out the Supernatural books and erase the fact that they ever existed in order to give Sam, Dean and Castiel their privacy back, leaving Chuck with no money, or fans. 

Jack is, as he promised, mostly hands off when it comes to human affairs but like Chuck there are some humans he just can’t leave alone, so he’ll check on Sam, Dean and Castiel from time to time. He knows that right now there is a party going on in the bunker like it has never seen before and a part of him wishes he could be there to see Sam and Dean’s faces when they see all their friends and family… when they see Eileen and Cas, but he has work to do. 

***

Dean and Sam are standing together in the Map Room, watching their friends and family celebrate. The brothers have small smiles of contentment on their faces, they won. They have their home, their friends, their freedom, their loves and each other. 

“We actually did it,” says Dean quietly, as though not wanting to tempt fate, “We beat Chuck.”

“We did,” Sam nods, his eyes finding Eileen who is talking to another hunter in sign language across the room, “I wonder what Jack’s up to, do you think he’ll be alright?”

Dean smiles, “I think he’ll be just fine, he’s God now but he’s still got us, and Cas.” Dean’s eyes travel over to where Castiel is talking to Garth. It still feels like a dream that Castiel is back and Dean’s heart thumps in his chest as Castiel catches his eye and smiles at him.

“You got Cas, too,” says Sam, nudging Dean with his shoulder and sounding far to smug, “‘Bout time .” 

“Shut up,” says Dean, but his words have no real heat to them and then he slowly nods in agreement, and concedes, “Yeah, it is.” 

“Don’t screw it up, Jerk.”

Dean had no intention of screwing things up with Cas, they had come way too far and been through way too much to screw things up now. He wasn’t hiding it from anyone, but he also wasn’t about to just jump into bed with his best friend. He’d never done this before, he’d never been with a guy before and there were still aspects that scared him but he wasn’t too worried, he knew Castiel would never push him into something he didn’t feel ready for… In fact, he was kind of excited about it, he and Castiel would get to work things out together, at their own pace. There was no one he trusted more and whilst it might take some time for each of them to learn to express their feelings properly and openly to each other, they already confessed the biggest hidden feeling they each had for the other man. They loved each other, wholly and unconditionally, and they had for a long, long time.

“Wouldn’t dream of it, Bitch.”

THE END


End file.
